THE OOZE

Known throughout the land as Tin O’ Spam reserves, fourth team more like.

Owned by Agent-to-the-Z-list-stars Barry Earn, things are definitely looking sideways for the Z-list Ooze, who had been starved of success in recent years, apart from play-off failure 1999, and again in 2001, finally scraping into old Division Three in 2006.

Barry has been instrumental in developing the Mushroom Stadium, a new stand having been constructed over the old car-park, 2 stands collapsing under the weight of expectation.

The new West stand is now completed, a sort of Reverse-Tardis, and looks good until you realise there’s hardly any seats. Not that they’ll be needed.

Finally entering the 21st Century in 2007 when Barry noticed that other grounds actually have FOUR stands.

This season sees the wearing of another new kit, after the humiliating efforts of recent times, when in order to save money, Ooze players have taken to the field in a red and white checked shirts made from tablecloths salvaged from a fire damage sale at a transport café in Thurrock..

Ooze fans who reply that the shirts were the same as the Croatian National side are absolutely right, although Croatia’s shirts are from a café in Belgrade.

With Brussel Slade now at the helm, a grim season is in store - no change there then.

 History

Second hand kits and shoddy stadiums have always been the norm for the Ozers, since they were formed in 1931 by Lesney Toy factory workers.

Playing on Hackney Marshes proved problematical, hence near bancruptcy in 1937 when 20 players went down with Malaria, a Spanish whore from Leytonstone.

A new ground was needed, and when the Birdbrain Sanitarium site came up for sale in 1951, local hemmaroid specialist Oliver Goodlook gave over the freehold of the cess-pit and sewage treatment area to the club. Added to the compost site used when building Coronation Gardens, plus the folding of a mushroom growers site in Buckinghell Road, enough land was available to construct the original Mushroom Stadium in Birdbrain Road.

There was not enough money to properly de-contaminate the site, hence the pungent odour at the ground even now.

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