Cardaffodil City

The premier club side in Wales, Cardaffodil City has a long and distinguished history stretching back over 120 years.

In April 1882, the last coal mine in Cardaffodil city centre was almost exhausted, as were the miners themselves. With only destitution to look forward to, 24 miners made a brave dash for the freedom of England - at a speed of 4 feet a day. They struck out for Chepstow at 700 feet below ground, the plan being to somehow divert Offa's Dyke and claim English nationality.

Unfortunately, one of their number decided to light a fart which caused an explosion and alerted the authorities. They had tunneled a credible 580 feet - most of it vertically upwards.

All were rescued unharmed, but were incarcerated in Brigend Brig. A football team was started inside, and upon their release in 1887, joined Brecon Beacons Division Two as Cardaffodil and Caerphilly Corinthians. Steady progress was made and each year they would apply to join the English Football League, eventually being allowed into the Southern League in 1908. However, at their first away game in Bristol, all 18 players absconded and asked for political asylum, an act which to this day personifies their love afair with anything English.

After the Welsh were allowed British sovereignty in 1920, the now renamed Cardaffodil City amazingly won the FA Cup in 1927, the only time that the trophy has been won by a team outside of Her Majesty's Holy Imperial English Empire. They were not allowed to take the trophy back to Wales, obviously. Be melted down into leek pendants in five minutes.

Integration into English society followed, and over many years the Cardaffodillians have endeared themselves to their English masters with feats of sporting history such as the Welsh Cup tie in 1933, when Cardaffodill beat Llangoddabetakingthepissogogoch 47-0, still a taff record.

The promised land of the First Division was reached in 1956, and in 1960, Cardaffodil finished second in the league just one point behind Tottering Hotspunk, when in the last game of the season, with just one point needed to win the Championship, Cardaffodil's only Welsh player, goalkeeper Taffy Tafftwat was sent off for forgetting his cap and wearing a miners helmet instead. They lost 4-0 to Wolverhampton Windolene.

This started a downhill spiral, with Division Four football in 1970, notable for the Firelighter Incident of 1972, when several Cardaffodil players had their Hertfordshire holiday homes burnt down by irate locals.

Cardaffodil have been up and down like a Sansea bints bloomers ever since, now on a bit of a high in the Championship and striving again for the top division.

Amazingly they reached the FA Cup final in 2008, where Sir Harry Redknapp made sure the Cup remained inside the Empire for safe-keeping.

Best of British luck, boyos!