The rise and fall of the Hipster Hammer 11-06-16
West Ham’s move to a new stadium has caused a surge in the number of people seeking professional help for emotional distress, according to a Southend psychoanalyst. A group of men and women, aged usually between 20 and 35, has been identified as “Hipster Hammers”, and this group has been suffering trauma in recent weeks. Dr Brian Dokta explains: “The Hipster Hammer phenomenon has been growing over the last few years and reached its zenith when the Manchester United team coach was attacked near the Boleyn Ground. The videos clearly show Costa coffee cups and cans of Punk IPA flying through the air. Fueled by caffeine and DVD’s of Green Street, the mob of Hipster Hooligans put on a good show. But it’s been downhill since then”, commented Dr Dokta. “A combination of factors has led to anxiety within the HH community. The move to the Olympic Greyhound Stadium has removed a major building block of HH belief. For years, the Hipster Hammer, when accused of being a “Plastic” has been able to claim that they could never make it to Upton Park Because they couldn’t get a ticket. But the new stadium means that there’s no excuse any more. Add to this the closure of the West Ham shop in Basildon and we have the perfect Hipster storm.” With depression and anxiety hitting Hipster Hammers hard, it has fallen on Dr Dokta to try to alleviate the symptoms. At his Southend surgery, several techniques have been tried, including aversion therapy and hypnotism, but the best results have been seen when using what Dr Dokta calls the “Hamlich Manoeuvre”. Taking into account the mental and physical anguish which affects the subjects, and the need to tread gently around the psychological wellbeing of the patients, Dr Dokta explained how the Hamlick Manoeuvre works. ” I slap them round the face and say “Support your local team you Maroon shirted twat”.